Introducing Festivus 2.0
· Festivus is December 23rd.
· I don’t know why it’s on that date every year.
· But it is.
· What is “Festivus”?
· For the unfamiliar, search YouTube (Seinfeld, Season 9, Episode 10, “The Strike”).
· Religious scholars may differ, but I see it as a holiday gathering that ritualizes dysfunctional families and offers a “counter-Christmas.”
· Bing Crosby does not sing “White Christmas,” and Maria Carey wouldn’t know a Festivus Pole if she tripped over it.
· Wise men do not bring gifts, and holy children are not born in mangers.
· Festivus is hard-core.
· Festivus has had a loyal and faithful flock since 1997 [1].
· But, my friends, it’s time for an upgrade, some original Festivus rituals need reevaluation; I have taken that on after consultation with Festivus followers all over the world (not really).
· I’m excited to introduce to you Festivus 2.0!
· First, let’s review.
The Epiphany
· One year, Frank went shopping for Christmas.
· Frank was short.
· He reached for the last doll on the shelf for his poor, pitiful intended recipient, whose name is now known only to Seinfeld specialists.
· Frank failed.
· Some other guy, who may have even been shorter than Frank, we will never know, got it.
· Frank found himself on the Road to Damascus.
· He was inspired to create a new form of “celebration” for the holidays.
· Festivus for the rest of us!
· In hindsight, 1.0 is good in some places and cringeworthy in others.
Festivus 1.0
There were five Festivus rituals in 1.0 [2]:
1. The Pole
2. The Dinner
3. The Airing of Grievances
4. A Festivus Miracle
5. Feats of Strength
Festivus 2.0
Those of us supporting the upgrade to 2.0 propose the following:
The Pole:
· We keep the pole.
· Frank’s pole was eight feet.
· My pole is eight inches.
· I blame my genes.
· Let’s move on.
The Dinner:
· The dinner we keep.
· Apocrypha dictated that the dinner had to be meatloaf on a bed of lettuce.
· That we renounce.
· In 2.0, we have no specific rules about the dinner ritual.
· We only require that there is one, even if people are in different geographical locations (in some cases, preferably in different locations).
· Vegan or steak tartare – doesn’t matter.
· In 2.0, we believe our members should have control over their own GI tracts.
· And we will not require you to drink out of the same wine glass.
The Airing of Grievances:
· This is much like the ritual of kvetching, except you are not just complaining about someone, you are complaining about him to his face.
· We believe this has therapeutic (tough love?) value but can also be destructive in some situations.
· We encourage candor with other family members, but only if it comes in a velvet glove.
· We allow the repetition of the sacred phrase: “I’ve got a lot of problems with you people! Now you are going to hear about them!”
· But we don’t encourage implementation.
· Instead, we introduce new rituals:
o The Airing of Compliments and
o The Airing of Apologies.
· By their titles, they should be self-explanatory.
· They may be oral or in writing.
· Or in the presence of a therapist.
The Festivus Miracle:
· We are downgrading the Festivus Miracle requirement from “mandatory” to “discretionary.”
· Miracles come.
· Miracles go.
· The Universe decides.
· We encourage someone in the group to be designated the “Journalist of Miracles”; if a miracle does come along, other followers will have a record of it.
Feats of Strength:
· In 1.0, Frank challenged his son, George, to a wrestling match.
· The episode ends with Frank screaming, “Festivus is not over until you pin me, George!”
· This may have been considered a “feat of strength” in Athens around 300 BC.
· Now, it’s just stupid and may lead to internecine litigation.
· Disclaimer: I may be biased because my son could pin me in about 30 seconds.
· In 2.0, we believe that the original intent behind “feats of strength” included feats of strength of character, acts of courage, standing up against the crowd, fighting for right when knowing you will lose, but you persist.
· One example per year will suffice.
^^^^^^^^
Don’t let Festivus die from atrophy.
There is something good here, something worth keeping alive, but Frank’s epiphany was a moment of madness, and it is time to correct some of the original rituals that no longer have relevance.
Reform Festivus before it is too late, or many intelligent people will have to figure out what to do with a bunch of stupid aluminum poles.
[1] This was when the episode aired on Seinfeld. The scriptwriter based it on his own family experiences.
[2] For the uninitiated, you will find different variations of Festivus rituals. They are all hilarious.