Have You Tried Kvetching?

Estimated reading time: just read; you can kvetch about it later.

Hello, and thank you for calling Kvetchers International. We are here 24/7 to listen to your kvetching, or, for those of you who prefer to play the passive recipient, we offer various services at negotiated rates (based on your level of weirdness).

If you know your party’s extension, you may dial it anytime.

If you are new to kvetching and don’t have much going on in your life, or what is going on pretty much sucks at least 51% of the time, PRESS ONE.

For a list of seminars and webcasts that we intend to produce one day after you cheapskates donate a few of the dollars you got from exploiting the lower classes, PRESS TWO, and ask for Karl.

To schedule private kvetching sessions with a certified kvetching coach, PRESS THREE. We will contact you as soon as we find some schmuck willing to listen to you complain about your trivial sh**t.

Are you as excited about kvetching as I am?

If you are, PRESS FOUR, and leave your credit card information.

Sorry, but we do not accept Venmo, Zelle, crypto, Bit-Coin, or other “nouveau currencies.” Cash is welcome unless marked.

What is Kvetching?

Synonyms for kvetching include “complaining,” “bitching,” “bellyaching,” “gripping,” “grumbling,” “carping,” and “endlessly whining or complaining,” to name a few.

When I use the word “kvetching,” I mean “complaining.”

History

Kvetching has been around since pre-homo sapiens invented grunting.

According to Corinne Engber of JewishBoston, in The Art of Good Kvetching, kvetching goes back to the Garden of Eden.

Corinne is either very old or this is what we might call “apocryphal.”

Why Do We Care?

Martin Seligman’s positive psychology movement has greatly influenced our society, but not without some pushback.

Dr. Barbara Held did not drink the Kool-Aid of Norman Vincent Peale and the positive thinking movement or Martin Seligman and the positive psychology movement. [1]

In 1999, she published her manifesto, Stop Smiling, Start Kvetching: A Five-Step Guide to Creative Complaining, in which she proposes kvetching as an approach to therapy unlike anything Martin Seligman would accept.

One problem at the outset: Dr. Held is so funny that you are never sure when she is being serious.

You may be tempted to believe that, by proposing kvetching as a modality for therapy, she is just mimicking an old Rodney Dangerfield routine.

Yet, if you drill (or scroll) down, you will find that some people with academic credentials agree with her.

By way of disclaimer, I am neither pro-kvetching nor pro-Kool-Aid.[2]

The Benefits of Kvetching

Some psychologists believe that repression of emotions is the root of all evil (or at least all physical and psychic pain).

This is especially true of anger and trauma.

Dr. Held and her cult of kvetchers believe that spewing negativity is better than repressing it; indeed, repressing negative feelings only causes them to fester and erupt into aches, pains, pimples, and affairs.

The antidote?

That’s right.

Kvetching.

Dr. Held is Not the Only Lonely Voice in the Wilderness

In Healing Back Pain, Dr. John Sarno argues that herniated discs, tendonitis, sciatica, and the like do not cause physical pain; instead, the cause is repressed anger.

In Blunder: Why People Make Bad Decisions, historian Zachry Shore discusses what he calls “causefusion.”

Causefusion is a fancy word for describing one reason we blunder when making wise decisions by confusing what we think is the actual cause of a problem with the real cause (e.g., believing ulcers are caused solely by stress and are not bacterial [3]).

Shore cites Dr. Jerome Groopman, author of How Doctors Think, who, in turn, cites Dr. Richard Deyo, the Kaiser Permanente Professor of Evidence-Based Medicine, who argues, “spinal infusion therapy has no scientific rationale and can cause more problems for patients than it solves.”

Repressed anger may be why your knees, lumbar, cervical, and tendons make you go limping into your medicine cabinet for the Tylenol, not purely problems.

My Bias 

I am not a fan of kvetching because I don’t like to listen to it.

Still, if we give kvetching a fair chance, the threshold test (from the biased viewpoint of a Stoic) is: are you kvetching about something you have some control over or not?

Does kvetching, in and of itself, make people feel better – even if they are kvetching about something over which they have little or no control?

It seems that a better use of our time would be to accept the things we cannot change, have the courage to change the things we can, and have the wisdom to know the difference (I just made that up).

I do not believe that kvetching is going to do a damn thing for my stenosis.

In fact, kvetching can do harm.

When we kvetch, we release toxic emotions (the more repressed, the more toxic), which may be why we feel better.

But then the recipient has to deal with them.

It’s a bit like a game of “pass the turd.” 

And that’s why, kiddies, therapists don’t do what they do for free.

Is the game worth the candle?

Subject matter, procedure, and how much your therapist charges are critical components.

Subject Matter

If, despite my disclaimers, you want to try kvetching, remember, as I stated above, the initial question is whether you have any control over the subject matter.

If not, you might be better off releasing your negative emotions at a bowling alley or a driving range.

Next, ask: what is the purpose of the kvetching?

·     To vent?

·     To request help?

·     To confess?

·     Stress overload?

·     To connect?

·     To be validated?

·     To dump your anger and frustration on someone else?

·     To blame?

·     To gossip?

·     To spread lies?

·     To manipulate?

·     To problem-solve?

·     Because your therapist reminds you of the boy/girl who dumped you at the 7th-grade dance, and you’re still pissed about it?

Procedure 

If you go through the pre-kvetching checklist and still can’t hold back, consider how you will kvetch.

The primary procedural rule of kvetching is to agree that kvetching about the subject matter is not a waste of time.

If so, both parties must agree that kvetching shall commence.

Joan Rivers was a master kvetcher.

She always began with, “Can we talk?”

Proceeding with kvetching before mutual consent can feel like the attack at your emotional Pearl Harbor: didn’t agree to this, didn’t see it coming, and didn’t like it AT ALL.

Given my ambivalence about kvetching, where does that leave us?

ChatGPT 

My solution was to turn to ChatGPT and prompt it to tell me whether kvetching had any benefits. It’s response:

Kvetching, the act of expressing complaints, surprisingly holds several benefits. It serves as a cathartic outlet for stress, allowing individuals to release pent-up emotions and prevent emotional build-up. Constructive kvetching can catalyze problem-solving, fostering self-reflection and personal growth. When individuals articulate concerns, it often leads to a better understanding of issues and potential solutions.

On a societal level, kvetching can drive positive change by bringing attention to unnoticed problems. Voicing dissatisfaction raises awareness and prompts communities or institutions to address underlying issues, contributing to social progress.

Additionally, kvetching fosters social connections by creating opportunities for empathy and understanding. Sharing challenges with others builds camaraderie and solidarity, reinforcing the idea that individuals are not alone in facing difficulties.

It is crucial, however, to approach kvetching with moderation and constructive communication. Excessive complaining without seeking resolutions can strain relationships. Therefore, individuals should use kvetching as a tool for expression and growth, contributing to personal well-being and a healthier, more empathetic society. 

Not satisfied, I used the acid test, the gold standard – the Magic 8 Ball.

“Magic 8 Ball, does kvetching have any benefits?”

Answer: “Yes, definitely.”

There you have it.

_________________________

If you want to speak to a live person, press zero, and please hold – FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

___________________________ 

Despite my kvetching about kvetching, Barbara Held is thought-provoking, funny, and provides fertile ground for further exploration of this alternative to smiley faces, daily rainbows, and optimism bias (“the tyranny of the positive attitude” [4]).

Read her book, laugh, and give serious thought to her concepts. [5]

“Laughter is the best medicine.” [6]

[1] For an almost exhaustive explanation of the positive thinking movement, and its successor, the positive psychology movement, please refer to my blog of December 6, 2021: Positive Psychology is Not Positive Thinking.

[2] I have joined the “cult of Goldilocks,” otherwise known as the path of the Middle Way.

[3] Helicobacter pylori (H. pylori) to be more precise.

[4] “The real problem is the added pressure of having to deny that life is as hard as it is. The pressure of having to act as if we’re not having a hard time when we are.” Held, at 23.

[5] Getting reality right is, in my opinion, the best way to cope with life.” Held at 29.

[6] Proverbs 17:22 (sort of).