The Troublesome Truth
Scott Peck
Dr. Scott Peck, a Harvard psychiatrist of some renown in the 70s, built his edifice of good mental health on truth - no avoidance, confrontation with reality, no matter how distasteful.
Let’s listen to Dr. Peck’s wisdom on how to navigate the constant flow of problems in life and the role truth plays (from “The Road Less Traveled” (1978)):
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The Importance of an Accurate Map
The less clearly we see the reality of the world – the more our minds are befuddled by falsehood, misperceptions and illusions - the less able we will be to determine correct courses of action and make wise decisions. Our view of reality is like a map with which to negotiate the terrain of life. If the map is true and accurate, we will generally know where we are, and if we have decided where we want to go, we will generally know how to get there. If the map is false and inaccurate, we generally will be lost.
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Courage and Discipline
We attempt to skirt around problems rather than meeting them head on. We attempt to get out of them rather than suffer through them.
The tendency to avoid problems and the emotional suffering inherent in them is the primary basis of all human mental illness. Since most of us have this tendency to a greater or lesser degree, most of us are mentally ill to a greater or lesser degree, lacking complete mental health.
In the succinctly elegant words of Carl Jung, ‘Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering.’
But the substitute itself ultimately becomes more painful than the legitimate suffering it was designed to avoid.
What are these tools, these techniques of suffering, these means of experiencing the pain of problems constructively that I call discipline? There are four:
1. delaying of gratification,
2. acceptance of responsibility,
3. dedication to truth, and
4. balancing
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Truth Rules
… the expression of opinions, feelings, ideas and even knowledge must be suppressed from time … in the course of human affairs.
What rules, then, can one follow if one is dedicated to the truth?
First, never speak a falsehood.
Second, bear in mind that the act of withholding the truth is always potentially a lie, and that in each instance in which the truth is withheld a significant moral decision is required.
Third, the decision to withhold the truth should never be based on personal needs, such as a need for power, a need to be liked or a need to protect one’s map from challenge.
Fourth, and conversely, the decision to withhold the truth must always be based entirely upon the needs of the person or people from whom the truth is being withheld.
Fifth, the assessment of another’s needs is an act of responsibility which is so complex that it can only be executed wisely when one operates with genuine love for the other.
Sixth, the primary factor in the assessment of another’s needs is the assessment of that person’s capacity to utilize the truth for his or her own spiritual growth.
Finally, in assessing the capacity of another to utilize the truth for personal spiritual growth, it should be borne in mind that our tendency is generally to underestimate rather than overestimate this capacity.
All this might seem like an extraordinary task, impossible to ever perfectly complete, a chronic and never-ending burden, a real drag. And it is indeed a never-ending burden of self-discipline, which is why most people opt for a life of very limited honesty and openness and relative closedness, hiding themselves and their maps from the world. It is easier that way. Yet the rewards of the difficult life of honesty and dedication to the truth are more than commensurate with the demands. By virtue of the fact that their maps are continually being challenged, open people are continually growing people. Through their openness they can establish and maintain intimate relationships far more effectively than more closed people. Because they never speak falsely, they can be secure and proud in the knowledge that they have done nothing to contribute to the confusion of the world, but have served as sources of illumination and clarification. Finally, they are totally free to be. They are not burdened by any need to hide. They do not have to slink around in the shadows. They do not have to construct new lies to hide old ones. They need waste no effort covering tracks or maintaining disguises. And ultimately, they find that the energy required for the self-discipline is far less than the energy required for secretiveness. The more honest one is, the easier it is to continue to be honest, just as the more lies one has told, the more necessary it is to lie again. By their openness, people dedicated to the truth live in the open, and through the exercise of their courage to live in the open, they become free from fear.
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If every man followed Peck’s rules, he would never again get caught up short when his wife surprises him with the classic question:
“Excuse me, dear. Do I look fat in these?”
Or would he? Let’s try a little test:
Options:
(a) “Uh…”
(b) “Is dinner ready?’
(c) “Is there a football game on tonight?”
(d) “You always look beautiful.”
If you selected any option other than (d), call me so I can refer you to a good divorce lawyer. You are going to need one.
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True Confessions
I had a girlfriend once who put on a pair of jeans to go on a trip we were taking. Being in an overly truthful and more overly stupid state of mind and having forgotten Peck’s rules, especially rule number four, I said (with genuine love and affection), “You know, those jeans make you look a little heavy.” In my estimation, the jeans just did not fit well. I didn’t “fat-shame her.” I just questioned her choice of jeans. That nuance went unnoticed.
Thud!
I thought blaming it on the jeans was better than saying, “You look fat in those,” and I did not have the discipline to keep my big, fat mouth shut.
She left the room and returned in a different pair – and an attitude.
“Much better,” said I, naively believing I had averted disaster.
“Come on,” she said.
“Where are we going?”
“I threw those jeans in the trash. We are going shopping. You are going to buy me a whole new wardrobe.”
That lesson cost me several thousand dollars: a growth experience, proving that “poorer” often couples with “wiser,” still better than a spoiled trip.
Not everyone appreciates feedback.
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As some ancient follower of Lao Tsu may have once said, “Even the sage who walks the razor’s edge sometimes stumbles and cuts off a toe.”