Preparing for Positive Holidays

The holidays cometh. Let’s get real about it - most emotionally charged time of the year when, for many of us:

·      expectations of family harmony, love, joy, winning football teams, and perfectly cooked meals wither into the dust of unfulfilled visions;

·      optimistic gatherings become an endurance test of awkward moods and inauthentic emotions, the only remedy is too much food and alcohol, leaving us searching for a place to hibernate;

·      happy loners at other times of the year find themselves feeling like Scrooge peering into Cratchit’s window. [1]

 No doubt, the holidays depress many of us. Indulge me a few more minutes while I suggest some tried-and-true methods to emotionally vaccinate you against the holiday blues. Like all vaccinations, these suggestions may not cure the illness, but application may lead to mitigation of negative symptoms.

On February 28, 2022, I posted, “What’s Positive About Positive Psychology?: Part One.” Any repetition of the concepts in that article with those in this article is coincidental.

Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being, by Martin E.P. Seligman, represents the latest iteration of the evolution of Seligman, one of the great creative geniuses of our day [2].

From innovator of treating depression in children to promulgator of unique psychological concepts such as “learned helplessness” and “authentic happiness,” Seligman developed the VIA Strengths Survey. The VIA SS is universally recommended by positive psychologists to their clients to emphasize what is right with them instead of focusing on what is wrong.

Flourish may be Seligman’s piece de resistance, or, like Tony Bennett, he may keep getting better with age.

In Flourish, among a plethora of practical wisdom, like a multitude of presents under the tree in a CEO’s living room, Seligman describes a protocol he and Dr. Tayyab Rashid created in 2011, now known as “positive psychotherapy.” [3]

Allow me to share it with you in summary form. S&R lay it out simply as a format for 14 sessions. While designed for a positive psychotherapist and client relationship, you do not need a psychologist or psychiatrist to appreciate or apply this wisdom. Start this protocol now to immunize yourself from holiday depression.

Session 1: The absence or lack of positive resources (positive emotions, character strengths, and meaning) can cause and maintain depression and create an empty life. Homework: The client writes a one-page (roughly three hundred words) “positive introduction,” in which she [4] tells a concrete story showing her at her best and illustrating  how she used her highest character strengths.

Session 2: The client identifies his character strengths from the positive introduction and discusses situations in which these character strengths have helped him previously. . . [If you are working alone, try journaling as a substitute]. The client completes the VIA questionnaire online [5] to identify his character strengths. [6]

Session 3: The client starts a “blessings journal,” in which she writes, every night, three good things (big or small) that happened that day.

Session 4: The client writes about feelings of anger and bitterness and how they feed his depression.

Session 5: The client writes a forgiveness letter describing a transgression and related emotions and pledges to forgive the transgressor (only if appropriate) but does not deliver the letter.

Session 6: The client writes a gratitude letter to someone she never properly thanked and is urged to deliver in person.

Session 7: … review the importance of cultivating positive emotions through writing in the blessings journal and the use of character strengths.

Session 8: The client reviews ways to increase satisficing and devises a personal satisficing plan. [“satisficers” (“This is good enough”) have better well-being than “maximizers” (“I must find the perfect wife, dishwasher, or vacation spot”).]

Note: I am not completely on board with this one. Isn’t it contextual? In some circumstances, perfectionism is pathological; in others, it is necessary. You would not want a brain surgeon who completed 80% of your surgery and said “good enough.” On the other hand, thanks to icons like Michelle Obama, the phrase “I am good enough” is getting a lot of buzz these days.

Session 9: After reviewing the concepts of optimism and hope and the idea that the optimistic style is to see bad things as temporary, changeable, and local, the client thinks of three doors that closed on her. What doors opened?

Session 10: The client is invited to recognize character strengths of significant other(s) … and to respond actively and constructively to positive events reported by others, and the client arranges a date that celebrates his character strengths and those of his significant other(s). [7]

Session 11: The client asks family members to take the VIA questionnaire online [8] and then draws a tree that includes the character strengths of all members of the family. [9]

Session 12: The client studies savoring techniques.[10] The client plans pleasurable activities and carries them out as planned.

Session 13: The client is to give the gift of time by doing something that requires a fair amount of time and calls on her character strengths.

Session 14: The client contemplates “the full life, integrating pleasure, engagement, and meaning.”

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If you don’t have time for all of that, try to remember, whether the holidays are positive or disappointing is on you. If you have a “growth mindset” [11], no matter how the holidays turn out, you will see them as valuable, learning experiences. It’s all about perspective.

If all else fails, watch the great celebration to the dysfunctional family during the holidays: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.[12]

Or, just recall Walter’s sage advice in The Big Lebowski, when all of his brilliant plans transformed into some form of manure, and all seemed lost, including his and the Dude’s life, he turned to the Dude and said, “F*ck it, Dude. Let’s go bowling.” [13]

Warning: While the suggestions above may help you get through the holidays for 2022, you may need a booster sometime next year.

May you have a positive holiday despite all of the negativity in the world right now. All you can do is play your role in making the world a more positive place.

I leave you with the words of Tiny Tim Cratchit:

God bless us, everyone

[1] Dickens does not explain how Tiny Tim became lame. Scholars have speculated that rickets, TB, polio, or cerebral palsy caused it. Others say that when you are writing fiction you can create whatever sympathetic characters you want to breach the emotional walls of the reader.

[2] Even though at time he borrows more than a little from Aristotle.

[3] Versions of this are available on Amazon, but, spoiler alert: the frugal bibliophile may balk. A less expensive book on this topic is Positive Psychotherapy of Everyday Life: A Self-Help Guide for Individuals, Couples, and Families with 250 Case Studies by Dr. Nossrat Peseschkian.

[4] If you notice some he/she/they gender issues in the text, don’t blame me. I just hope Herschel Walker doesn’t read this.

[5] The VIA Strengths Survey can be found at http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx. Please note that it is one of many tests offered on that site. Make sure to register your user name and password so you can review your test results online and take other tests available without losing your data.

[6] This seems a little bassackwards to me. What if the client doesn’t know what a “character strength” looks like, smells like, or feels like? Wouldn’t it make more sense to take the VIA Strengths Survey first? After a brief self-reporting questionnaire (approximately 30 minutes), it will send you a list of 24 character strengths from strongest strength to weakest strength. Applying them to the positive introduction after we have seen the list makes more sense to me. Nonetheless, I use this test with almost all of my coaching clients. If nothing else, after they complete it, they realize that they have some strengths, which may be an epiphany for those low on self-esteem.

[7] If you are not familiar with the concept of active and constructive responding, see Flourish, p. 48, et seq.

[8] See footnote 2 for link to VIA Strengths test. If, for some reason, the link does not work for you, go to authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu and click on the tab for testing.

[9] Assuming you can get all of your family members to play this game, exactly how the client creates this tree is unclear. Plant the seed, and see if it grows!

[10] For a good explanation of savoring techniques, see The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky, p. 190, et seq.

[11] If you are unfamiliar with the concept of a growth mindset, please read Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol S. Dweck.

[12] Featuring Clark (aka “Sparky”), Ellen, (my favorite) Cousin Eddie, and the rest of the gang.

[13] Granted, any list of “holiday movies” will not include The Big Lebowski. If you have not seen it, you are missing out on an American classic.